I do not know what to expect from this but I am just responding to what is called upon me to do.
This is my story/testimony.
I was married for 26 years. 4 years of chasing/courting/dating and 26 years of marriage to my ex husband. We were separated since Feb 2020 and finally divorced awhile ago.
Ex husband
He was a sunday school teacher, a bible study leader and knows the bible better than more believers. He prayed every day. I believed he was close with God. I knew him at work when we were young and brought him to a baptist church. He was baptized in that church.
Everyone looks highly of him in church, he was a very nice man to almost everyone. But he was a different man behind closed door. He did not like my association with my friends, with the church or even with my family. He took me and the kids out of our country to here in the States for decades, to be away from everyone. He was achieving great things at school and received his PhD. He got a job that moved us from the Midwest to the East coast. He was not happy with his university supervisor, he was not happy with his job or his bosses. He vented on us. He said we were leeches and his liabilities. He would not be tied down doing what he does (that he does not like) if he does not have us.
Me
I gave up my career for him and the family. I could not work here for a very long time because of my dependent visa so I got busy with raising kids, keeping the home and volunteering at church. I realized I became quieter and quieter. I hardly speak anymore even during bible study. I was a stay at home mom for 2 decades and my self worth was almost reduced to zero by the time we left.
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The Marriage
Married late 1990s. During the marriage, he laid hands on me and the kids. Took my money and my cards so I could go nowhere. He told the kids I would never earn $10 the moment I step out of the house. He said I was blessed to have a man like him and kids, a dad like him. I took blames for everything and anything. And I kept quiet to all family and friends, hopefully things will eventually worked out. I pinned hope on God, on counselors and church leaders. I hid away from him and the children, cried in the car in the garage, cried in the bathtub, submersed in water. I felt no way out.
I stayed on the marriage, for I know God hates divorce. I tried every possible method I could think of to stay on it. Counseling, classes, praying, nothing works. He never once agree on doing devotion with me (and the kids), said he could never able to pray with me (when I was his wife). I was at my wit's ends. I could only cry and pray.
Then, came Feb 2020. I had been sick for weeks with an autoimmune disease. He came home one day and disowned our oldest child. He also threatened to adopt our other kids out and threatened to walk out of the house, leaving us high and dry. His anger was petrifying. I knew we have to escape. I took all kids and dog and left. Not a single soul in town know. I did not tell anyone, except my pastor's wife and our marriage counselor. They were both not from our town.
He was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, It is real, but not everyone has it. When I was in this situation, my brain was always confused and on a roller coaster ride. All love bombing, gaslighting and devaluing are real.
Fast forward to now. God has shown. I am standing on my feet with a job to provide and a second chance at love. This is my take.
1, One who knows the bible does not mean he knows the Lord. “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven." Matt 7:21
2. There are the Visible church and Invisible church. There are people that go to church and serve in the Lord service themselves instead of serving the Lord. And this is Key... Look at their life... Do they bear fruit? Do you see the fruit of the Spirit in their life? "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law." Gal 5:22-23
3. Husbands, you are called to honor your wives, even behind closed doors. "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." 1 Peter 3:7
4. Wives, we are called to submit our husbands, AS UNTO THE LORD. I have submitted, my vision was blinded, so it was in expense of the children and my physical and mental health. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." Eph 5:22
5. Trauma bond is real. It is like an addiction. Only way to get out of it is to depend on Christ. Take that one step to follow and focus on Christ. I never look back.
There were red flags before our vows, but I ignored it. He was often short temper even during the years we were dating. He would apologize and chase me back. His anger was like making a mountain out of the molehill kind, especially over some guys talking to me. I was faithful and never wanted any platonic relationship even with any guy. Those were either common friends at church or some guys at work for work-related stuff. He told me he was in love with a woman days before our wedding but that woman rejected him. I was devastated and was contemplating to call off wedding, he came by to violate me. I was so ashamed that I went through with the wedding. I had wanted to marry as a virgin, and he violated me, just days before.
I ignored these red flags and hoped for the best. I was a doormat, and now no more. "“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.” Psalms 139:14
Healing is a process, but I am on my way. God is faithful and steadfast even when I have the faith of a mustard seed. I am forever grateful and forever faithful. I will serve and abide in Him in all I do. He has opened the path for me like He opened up the red sea. He will bring me through anything till I see His face. I am perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect, but I love my Lord.
Hope my testimony opens some eyes and encourages you. God never fails. I am a Ruth, in a foreign and lost of a husband and now found my Boaz. This time, it is God's choice for me.
Wow. What a story. I'm glad you aren't suffering at the hands of your ex-husband anymore.
Btw I've done a study of that "wives submit to your husbands" passage. Nobody seems to care that literally the verse before, Paul says that we should "submit to one another" (Eph 5:21). Wives should submit to their husbands, **and husbands should submit to their wives!** Sometmies I wonder what people see when they read "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church" (Eph 5:25). Does Christ love the church only if the church does good things for him? Of course not. Does Christ love the church by controlling the church? Of course not. But some husbands just don't seem to connect the dots, including your ex.
Wow. What a story. I'm glad you aren't suffering at the hands of your ex-husband anymore.
Btw I've done a study of that "wives submit to your husbands" passage. Nobody seems to care that literally the verse before, Paul says that we should "submit to one another" (Eph 5:21). Wives should submit to their husbands, **and husbands should submit to their wives!** Sometmies I wonder what people see when they read "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church" (Eph 5:25). Does Christ love the church only if the church does good things for him? Of course not. Does Christ love the church by controlling the church? Of course not. But some husbands just don't seem to connect the dots, including your ex."
I'm not sure what you're trying to say but here's more of what Paul said in the verses you left out:
"21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."
Some see this verse and believe that it means that both the husband & wife have the same authority in the marriage but the following verses give more clarification on what it means.
"22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
As far as what the OP has to say. I see a lot of feminist speak contained in it which tells me she has been influenced to some extent by that Satan inspired family destroying movement. Also given the years she was married I would say that menopause may also have played a major role in here feelings and how she perceived what was happening in the marriage.
I was married a similar number of years (28) and I can tell you from my experience that when I had an argument with my wife she always brought up things that I said in previous arguments. Except the things she accused me of most of which I never said.
The reason for that is women see and hear things through an emotional lens and when they're upset then their emotions will distort that lens even more. AND what often amplifies that problem even further is menopause and does that by adding an additional hormonal imbalance into the mix.
Judging by what she said and some of the words she used I bet she was a very difficult wife and started a lot of arguments never respected her Ex's authority and in general made his life difficult. I also think a lot of that came from the obvious feminist influence she is under. It's a very common problem with most women as feminism is everywhere including most Church's.
Nobody including herself knows what actually happened and her Ex husband isn't here to defend himself. I always take a woman's relationship rants with a grain of salt and given what she wrote I believe most of it to be at best slightly inaccurate to a blatant tall tale. In the end I definitely lean towards her being the major issue in the break up of the marriage.
Handyman, consider how counter-cultural the Bible sounded, given these facts about the world of the New Testament:
"The most significant feature of the Roman household (familia) was that its power was concentrated in the hands of the male head, the paterfamilias. ... Only the paterfamilias could own property under Roman law. His power was unbroken until his death." (The Greco-Roman World of the New Testament Era, 1999, page 238)
"Roman wives were expected to obey their husbands in all things. During the Roman Republic, the husband had as much power over his wife as he did over his children [near absolute power, certainly over their property and sometimes even over their lives]." (Same as above, pages 241-242)
Ancient writers such as Philo and Plutarch wrote about what was considered the "ideal family," where they associated women with the senses and men with the mind, and that while the infidelity of a bride was to be punished severely, the infidelity of a husband should often be overlooked (same as above, pages 242-243).
To tell a husband from that culture to treat their wife like Christ treats the church would be a powerful, difficult message. It turns out that God respects women more than cultures often do, and God calls his body of believers to follow his Son's lead. Does that include wives submitting to husbands? Yes. Does that include *husbands submitting to wives?* Also yes!
There's a difference between challenging the idea of a family and challenging *some* traditional family ideas. OP has not been influenced by "that Satan inspired family destroying movement" -- she got remarried for goodness' sake. It just turns out that there are good and bad ways of conducting oneself in a family. Perhaps Satan's lies aren't as unsophisticated as "family is bad"? Maybe Satan's lies have more to do with confusing each of us about *how* to be a good family member?
And to be sure, women "see things through an emotional lens" because *everybody* sees things through an emotional lens. And a logical lens. And an ethical lens. And an experiential lens. And a hundred other "lenses" that are parsed in the realm of psychology. I doubt you, Handyman, would have posted anything unless you felt moved to do so by something more than purely-logical reasons. I'm not posting to some backwater forum because it'll serve some utilitarian end. I'm posting because I'm miffed that someone can read God's thoughts about family matters and still not understand that a relationship is a two-way street.
Did your wife treat you badly? Sometimes yeah, because people treat people badly, including you Handyman, both on the receiving end and the giving end of that bad treatment. Is your memory perfect? Can you think of times when your memory has failed you? Can you point to yourself and say that you are the worst of sinners? Or will you remain stuck in your own "relationship rants," focusing on the flaws of others?
Wow Clark0829. Way to try and confuse the issue with a lot of nonsense.
That said. I don't give out much detail about my marriage but I will say that for the majority of it it was fantastic and even when it wasn't fantastic it was still pretty good. The divorce on the other hand was a nightmare.
But what I learned before, during and after my marriage about female nature has cemented in me the need for women to be under the control of a good man whether it be her father or her husband. I also believe that most men inherently have it in them to be good husbands, but many aren't given the chance to prove it. That happens because right off the bat many women don't respect their husbands, try to control them and run the marriage which almost always end up in divorce.
When most women are allowed to make to many important decisions on their own it usually ends up causing problems with marriages, their familys and society in general.
But I don't just blame women for their bad decisions. I also blame a lot of simpy men for not telling women the truth. Many men far to often won't say anything because they are afraid to hurt a woman's feelings, incur her wrath, make waves in the marriage or maybe they want to find a girlfriend or marriage partner so they are afraid it will chase her away if they are to honest.
Scripture is very clear on the roles that men and women have. Women were never meant to have the power they now have when it comes to the marriage & divorce. The majority of divorces are perpetrated by women and without good reason. Infidelity is they only reason for divorce and few qualify for that.
If a women is being treated badly or even beaten by her husband then leaving may be justified, but divorce is not allowed even under those circumstances. And yet even So called Godly women will find any excuse to divorce, even lying about it so they can feel justified in leaving and getting remarried.
I suggest you study about both male and female nature. It's not easy to do because a lot of negative information about women is censored , but it's there for those who care to dig. Maybe it will open your eyes to whats going on in the world we live in. Christians should stay out of the world as much as possible but sadly the world has permeated the Church so deeply that some men & most women have succumbed to their more evil nature and knowing what that is helps identify the problem.
In the end it will help you more accurately direct your prayers at the problem.
Sorry Clark0829 I should have worded my comment on what you wrote a little differently.
I would say the information you provided doesn't change what scripture say's about men and women's roles. Women are beautifully made by God and when men and women are working together in their assigned roles their relationship is fully in God's graces.
I'm sure for some what I write looks like I'm picking on women. And although it's true I'm focused mostly on women, there is a reason for that. The world (Satan) has taken power from men and given it to women and most women have chosen to use that power to steal, kill and destroy.
The OP calling her husband a narcissist along with the use of other feminist terminology shows me where her heart is coming from. Chances are all her husband was doing was trying to exercise his God given role in their marriage. But OP was exercising a feminist ideology.
Many people are tying to blend feminism with Christianity and they just don't mix.
